June 19, 2009

Food Stamp Adventure -- Part 4: What You Get



This is what food stamps look like.
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I won't lie, this card RULES.






It's odd though.

Because when you excitedly tell people that you have one of these, a lot of them just look at you like you need a hug. And some get cranky and political. AND some are envious...which is understandable...

BUT-- most are just curious because they have no idea how food stamps actually work.
SO, I will attempt to dispel some myths:


1. Where does a food-stampian shop? A dumpster? An underground bunker?

Woodmans, Pick 'N Save, Piggly Wiggly, SuperValu, Walgreens...basically anywhere. I tried out my card at all of these stores in my first week (I was a little excited) and it worked just like any debit card.

2. Doesn't food stamps only buy government peas and Kool-Aid?

Noooooo. You can buy anything edible.
ANYTHING...Ho-Ho's, pre-made sushi, a 10 gallon tub of mayonnaise, a $27 bottle of pure Gogi berry juice... whatever a store has for sale.


Technically speaking....a Wisconsin food stamp shopping list could include:



13 tubs of Dippin' Dots
11 cases of Mountain Dew

15 sausages
6 canisters of whipped cream

and
36 PEZ dispensers


And, for irony's sake, a person on food stamps could even scribble THAT particular list onto the only existing photograph of their Polish immigrant great-great-grandfather using his actual blood, sweat and tears for ink*.

(See photo)

*Makes GREAT ink.

They could buy ALL of that -- on the taxpayer dime-- and then turn around and buy a carton of cigarettes and a bottle Jagermeister from the same cashier and it would still be okay.

Not saying it's right, but that's the way the system is set up.




According to the official list of food stamp-approved groceries, Wisconsin taxpayer money can also be used to purchase:
  • Liquor-filled chocolates

  • Non-alcoholic margarita mix

  • Fruit trees

  • Jim Beam brand pancake syrup

  • Mint snuff

  • Custom birthday cakes

(And I think the extended list actually includes "Cocaine" and "Strippers".)


Anyway, that's all for now.
(If any republicans are reading this: sleep tight!)

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