July 31, 2008

Notes From The Belly Of The Beast

Come to find out, it was NOT Peter Francis Geraci speaking in Racine today -- but rather, Republican Senator John McCain. He talked for approximately one very long hour.

Things I thought about while he spoke:

  • I think I'll say to hell with it all and get bangs the next time I get a haircut

  • Lately I've been making smores (over my stove) for breakfast... and, it would make sense for me to try smores-flavored cereal, yet I won't because it still seems gross.

  • I wonder if elderly people know that concealer would probably cover liver spots

  • Let's say some douchebag paints their car to exactly camouflage with the background of a street corner. If you crashed into him, wouldn't it still technically be your fault? If so, that doesn't seem fair.

Here is what it might look like:

The most exciting pictures I took at the McCain rally:

  • This guy's haircut----->

  • (Post-rally) Old shirtless man walking down Main St. with a rainbow umbrella -->

Just as Cindy McCain (who is prettier in person) began to introduce her husband, I caught video of two members of the press on their laptops whisper-giggling over an email one got featuring funny photos of really fat cats:

Anyway, now I have officially seen all of the presidential candidates in the flesh.

Hillary and McCain get points for making eye contact with me, but Obama had the best campaign music. Come November, those factors will determine who gets my vote.

**Also -- I'll be doing caricatures tomorrow at 'Relay For Life', 7-9pm at Bullen in Kenosha.

July 30, 2008

My Newest MySpace Friend Is....

The naked baby featured on the cover of Nirvana "Nevermind"!

He's an actual person; he's 18 now (so it's finally legal to look at the album cover), his name is Spencer and he lives in Los Angeles. He does graffiti drawings for fun.

This is what he looks like ---->

A giant sticker of the 'Nevermind' cover was on my social studies notebook in 7th grade and I can't tell you how many hours I spent zoning out on his naked baby body...which wasn't even dirty because my teacher made me Sharpie over his junk.

(to which he replied: "hahahah thats sick. were you from")
Spelling doesn't matter when you're the the naked Nirvana baby.
Point is, naked Nirvana baby is my Myspace friend. Everything's coming together for me.

July 29, 2008

Geraci For President!

Peter Francis Geraci -- the emotionless bankruptcy lawyer from those TV commercials -- will be in Racine giving a speech on Thursday!
I'll be there to cover it for the AM station because apparently he's running for president; I wasn't even aware!

I was gonna vote Obama, but, now that I think about it, maybe a bankruptcy lawyer is what the country needs right now; we sure do have a lot of debt after the war in Iraq.

Anyway, he'll be arriving on the "Straight Talk Express" which, I assume travels on a direct line from his bankruptcy law offices.

I'm looking forward to a moving speech about Chapter 13!

July 28, 2008

Email Art: The K-Town Team In Pencil!

Feast your eyes on this!
'K-Town Report's FIRST artist rendering!
Dr. Wolfgang Von Screwball, a local artist and AM1050 WLIP 'K-Town Report' listener, sent me these caricatures today!
That's me with the paintbrush, and Lars with the mic (likely because Lars never stops talking.)
Thanks Dr. Screwball!

Tom's Caricature

I drew Tom Kief this morning while I filled in on the 'Tom & Lisa' morning show on 95.1 WIILROCK.

He said he doesn't think it looks like him but I think I saw the sparkle of a tear in his eye; I could tell he was moved by the incredible likeness.

ANyway, stunt-monkey Haro says it looks like the Hulk taking a crap...which... like I said -- an incredible likeness.

July 24, 2008

I Solved The Country Thunder Mystery!

First of all -- damn it all to hell-- I should've gone to that Jessica Simpson concert. I was just kidding before (kinda), but now I could be selling video clips to E! for 80 million dollars.

A Kenosha News reporter, Megan Schmidt, wrote an article about Jessica Simpson's crowd reception at the festival last weekend-- which, as she wrote-- drew some boo's and some cheers.

Entertainment media internationally took the report of boo-ing and ran with it. They say she was
booed off the stage. An Australian website says she was heckled.

NOW, some videos of the concert have surfaced with
not a boo to be heard. Some blogs are now reporting that the Kenosha News reporter was inaccurate with her reporting, which, isn't true.

But... I think I've unraveled the mystery.
I think I know what really happened at Country Thunder:

We have:
- A crowd of middle-aged Wisconsin men with deep voices...
- Maybe a collective 6,500 cups of beer....
- And Jessica Simpson...


That's what they were yelling.

July 21, 2008

The Award For The Sexiest Person At Summerfest Goes To...

This guy --->

Don't know his name but I assume it's Richard "Laser" Cocainington.

This bronzed stallion woke up that morning, pushed the gaggle of women in neon green bikinis off his waterbed, and said "Fuckin' A man, I'm going to Summerfest today. Where's my forest-green Taz shirt..."

I feel like I spotted a unicorn.

July 18, 2008

Morning Revelation #1

If Al Gore ever puts out a smooth jazz album, he should call it "Algorithms".

(If I were him I would spell it "Algorhythms", but I feel like he would use the correct spelling.)
Anyway it would look something like this...

And that was just my first thought of the morning! This day is off to an awesome start.

July 17, 2008

Is it weird that I kinda want to go to Country Thunder...?

Because I kinda do.

I'm not a fan of country music, but I feel like I might get to meet Jessica Simpson -- which --I feel might make it worth it because I have yet to meet a real celebrity.

Plus... if the guy who sings "Honky-Tonk Badonk-a-donk" or the guy with the blond jheri-curl who sings that "We'll Put A Boot Up Yer Ass" USA-song are there... it may be my one opportunity to lob a full can of beer at their heads and get away with it. I'll just disappear into the sea of drunk girls in cowboy hats and sweaty men in American-flag shirts that say 'These colors don't run'.
I don't know, I just feel like it's my duty as an educated American citizen to silence them.

Anyway -- this is a good time to showcase a photo I took with Jessica Simpson's wax figure at my favorite place on earth last week.
It was taken just before Adam completely molested her poor mannequin chest.

July 16, 2008

Skydive Midwest

If you want to jump out of a plane


If you want to know what you'll look like at age 97, with the skin on your face melting away from your skull


If $179 is worth spending to have the body of a foxy Australian guy strapped to your back for ten minutes...(it is)...

Then go to Skydive Midwest; it's in Sturtevant, WI.

Make sure to get the video package because the sheer blinding terror will cause you to momentarily pass out and you'll forget what it was like.

*Also, unlike me, remember to pull the parachute cord at 6,000 feet.
To see their website, just click on the link next to the photo of the Australian man passionately gripping my thigh.

July 15, 2008

Starbucks' New Logo

Starbucks' business is slumping with the economy the way it is.
They're getting ready to close 600 stores because people aren't buying $4 coffee anymore.

Anyway, they've come out with a new logo:

<--- Old logo

<--- New logo

...and here's a detailed view:

...is it just me or did the Starbucks mermaid really slut it up?

Since when are mermaids able to sit in spread-eagle??

Maybe they're trying to attract new business with the 18-35 male demographic. I suppose nothing says "Come on in guys! Try our new Pike Place Blend!" like a topless mermaid in full "hellooo!" position.

Anyway, for god's sake keep buying food at Wendy's so they don't have to go down the same road--

(And yes, I felt very dirty drawing that graphic. I was just waiting for Chris Hansen to show up at my door.)